Motorcycling 101
by Brian A. Hopkins

being an accounting of some of the stuff I've learned from
umpteen thousand miles of riding, interjected with a lot of opinion
and silliness, mostly inspired by questions on Facebook

0. "Introduction"

1. “What does it mean when a rider says ‘I had to lay ‘er down!’?”

 2. “Why is that guy dragging his feet through the turns or duck-walking his Hog through the parking lot?”

3 .“All those levers and switches and cables and such – holy crap, what’s what?”

4 .“…back in the early 70's we were told, and by more than just one shop, to keep your helmet clean and to NOT put stickers and crap ON your helmet and if it got scratched up a lot to replace it because … if you should ever crash your head wouldn't slide across the pavement and could cause extra injuries. these days i see all kinds of stuff on helmets including mohawks.”

5. “How the hell do you ever remember what gear you’re in?”

6. “Why is that numbnuts riding around with his turn signal on when he’s obviously not turning?”

7. “Why do all you faggots wave to each other?”

8. “Would you mind suggesting a few Saturday only destinations for those times when unexpectedly you find yourself by yourself and nothing going on.”

9. “Why shouldn’t I wear those really cool fingerless gloves like the Harley guys? For that matter, why do I need gloves at all?”

10. “Sure, most motorcycles get great gas mileage, but it can’t all be good. What’s the most expensive thing about owning a motorcycle?”

11. “Am I right in thinking that bikers on Harleys with their butt a foot off the ground and handlebars two feet over their heads look like complete jack-wagons? … or are these vehicles the epitome of cool...?”

12. “How good are you at riding wheelies and doing stoppies and smoky burnouts and shit? The coolest riders are those guys who pass me on the Interstate at 90 mph on one wheel!”

13. “Why don’t motorcycle tires last as long as car/truck tires?”

14. “What are Chicken Strips?”

15. “Why are crotch rockets so much faster than Harleys?”

16. “Really, what kind of gas mileage do you get?”

17. “Why should I ride a motorcycle back and forth to work? Seems to me it’d be a pain in the ass…”

18. "Any Tips for Passengers?"

19. "When did you first know you wanted to be a motorcyclist?"

20. “OMG, what the hell is MONKEY BUTT?!?!?”

21. "Taking it from Behind"

22. "What happens if I forget to put up my kickstand before I take off on my bad motor scooter?"

23. "Rock the Gear"

24. “Cars Suck Big Green Donkey Dicks (and there's no place to store my ducks!)”