Submitted: 3 November 1997


The Troll in the Unicorn Inn

by Havok Stormbringer

(Kaerna, Zoluren: 5 Akroeg 346)

For all of ya that keep pestering me about how the stuffed troll got into that in....

It all started with me sitting in town green north, and watching the world go by. The world was boring me so I asked the first person who showed up at the green that day a simple question that would liven things up.

"Wanna go trolling?"

It was Gabriel, and he too, found watching the world go by deathly boring. So we armored up, readied our shields and swords, and headed out to Rock Troll territory to do something constructive. Such as killing any troll we came upon.

The hunt was going very well, almost immediately we came across several trolls that all but threw themselves upon our weapons and showered us with gold and silver coins. And then, near the log, we came across one troll that didn't want to cooperate.

"Go away!"

Well, I don't know how much experience you've had at hunting trolls, but that is one thing they never say. Shocked to the core, Gabriel and I looked at each other, puzzled beyond belief and then stared at the troll. It then flailed it's arms, and ran south. Even more puzzled than before, we gave chase, only to find out that it had vanished.

"That was odd."

We shrugged then went back to relieving eager trolls of their burdensome coins and dreary lives. And were surprised again to have a troll run in, flail its arms around and shout at us to leave. It once again, ran away to the south and we quickly followed it.

"You leave! You no more kill! Or I run and kill all you at village!"

Surprised that the troll could put together a sentence in common gave way to determination that it's last threat wouldn't come true. So we advanced on the troll only to have it run to the barrier, climb over it, and dash off towards Kaerna village.

I have to admit, we looked a bit silly standing there with our mouths hanging open. But as I'm sure most of you would agree, finding a troll that could talk, think, and climb the barrier to freedom isn't something that ya encounter on a daily basis.

Chagrined, we belatedly gave chase, and chase it we did. Up and down the trade route. Always a step behind the troll who could have taught marathon runners a thing or two. Finally, for reasons only it would know, it ran into the Gilded Unicorn Inn, and fearing for the safety of any folks in the quiet establishment, we dashed in only to find no trace of the troll.

Searching around desperately, we were about to race up the stairs to continue our search when the troll leapt out of hiding and kicked me in the shins. Then, as I howled in pain and surprise, leapt back into hiding and laughed. Infuriated, I prepped a massive fire ball and got ready to blast the troll into itty bitty crispy critters.

"What are you laughing at!", I demanded of Gabriel who was trying to stifle a giggle at my plight.

I was then further incensed when the troll started to cackle from hiding, leap out into plain view, deliver a swift kick to my other leg, and hide again before I could react.

"Stop kicking me!" I screamed, only to be told to shut-up by Savrin Kaerna as she came out of a back room.

Noticing how muscled Savrin was, and remembering the painting I had seen of her fighting off a group of marauders when she was a young mercenary, I bit my tongue and rubbed at my aching shins only to have the troll leap out of hiding and kick me in the rear.

Growling in frustration and anger, I tried to force the troll out of hiding by stabbing my sword into patches of shadows while Gabriel told Savrin what was going on. Both of whom where looking at me with amused expressions. Giving up the search for the moment, and wondering how something so big, ugly, and smelly as a Rock Troll could hide and leave no trace in a clean Inn I turned and walked to the bar. I managed two steps before the troll leapt up in front of me, delivered a swift kick to my rear and leaped back into hiding.

I slashed ineffectively at every shadow as Gabriel and Savrin chuckled along with the trolls cackling laugh that seemed to echo from every corner of the room. Holding the sword at the ready, I cautiously hobbled to the bar hopping that the damn troll would kick Gabriel a time or three.

Wishful thinking on my part. As soon as I made it to the bar, the troll jumped out of hiding, knocked my blade aside with the flat of its hand and delivered yet another kick to my battered and bruised shins. Flashing me a quick grin, which twisted it's grotesque face into strangely comical shape, took a diving leap across the inn and somehow managed to hide without revealing it's presence or making any noise.

Leaning against the bar, grimacing in pain and thanking several gods that my greaves were protecting me from serious harm, I ordered a strong drink from the smirking Savrin only to have the troll kick me yet again, and steal my drink before slipping into hiding.

"Stop kicking me!" I yelled again.

Gabriel grinned at me, then suggested I order another drink. He and Savrin were saying something, and I believe they got the troll to speak a time or two. All I knew was that my legs and rear were aching terribly and I really needed a good stiff drink or ten to make the pain bearable. But every time I ordered a drink, the troll would jump out of hiding, snag the drink, kick me, leap back into hiding, and ignore all my demands for it to stop kicking me.

The troll managed to drink several golds worth of strong whiskey, before I realized that it's disappearing into hiding was taking longer and that I was actually dodging it's kicks. Grinning to myself, I continued to purchase drinks, and settled in to wait for the troll to stumble or pass out so I could kick it a time or ten. I'll be a bit honest here, I managed to snag a few drink before the troll could get them. But then again, I was in pain and it wasn't.

Things got hazy for a bit, and the next clear moment of lucidity I experienced was Gabriel happily shoving my head into a bucket of river water while Savrin cheered him on. Glancing around in embarrassment I could see the massive hulk of the rock troll curled up on the floor and snoring loudly. With Gabriel's help, I staggered to my feet and approached the troll to give it the swift kicks in the rear that it so deserved.

"Just leave the troll, I'll stuff it the way it is.", Savrin said.

I wanted to argue, but before I could do more than stare, Gabriel had dragged me out of the Inn and helped me walk to Town Green. It was quite a few days before anyone had the chance to visit the Gilded Unicorn Inn and see what had become of the troll, but when they did, they found the troll laying in the exact position, with the same exact expression it had when I stumbled out of the Inn that day.

I wonder how Savrin managed to do that?